Tuesday, July 05, 2005

How to unburden yourself

Ever wanted to dump all those negative feelings you have about a family member or an ex-friend? In general, our normal societal hang-ups prevent us from doing so, but we all have this deep-down wish that we could let go and damn the torpedoes.

Well, there's help on the horizon from Dr. Chinese, who has devised the Dysfunctional Family Letter Generator. There's an intense satisfaction to choosing raving insults and a sheepish feeling of guilt. Here's my version:
Dear Cindy,

I just wanted to let you know that you have completely fucked up my life. If you had access to sharp objects you would be dangerous. I have had shock therapy to try to forget your existence because you have manipulated me one too many times. I have frequently looked the other way, which makes me a doormat.

This time you have painted yourself into a corner.

I have never shirked my responsibility to tell you that you are the missing link. You would be so much better off if you would just lay off of the welfare and get a job. You must be the product of inbreeding. If I have to hear you tell me that one more time, I will hurl. You are SICK. It is time for you to stop being a leech. Let this also serve as notice that all future visits have been cancelled as I would rather claw out my eyes than see you.

Drop dead you waste of space,

ME

PS: Please do not reply back, this email address is dead. I need time to report your whereabouts to the repo man.
Of course, there is no Cindy, and I'll never send the letter but, man, like in the song, I feel good!

No comments: